WORLD CUP RULES
FOR: WIVES, PARTNERS & GIRLFRIENDS.
Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend,
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be
totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without any
distractions. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure
you put your clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't
have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World
Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces at my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between
12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the
day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it just a team only a game", or
"don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will
only make me more upset and I will love you less. Remember, you will
never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of
encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance
because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule
2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
CUTE BOY WANTS TO BECOME A MAN
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom.
I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think
I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and the
young man leaves. He soon returns and says, "Give me
another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very
cute too. She always crosses her legs in a
provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might
strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as
the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on,
give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is
still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think
she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right
and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head
and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank
you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised than the
others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist!"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5 :00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when
he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
PAMPURRED
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should
be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission.
DON'T DO IT !!!!
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.
Just say "you're welcome."
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
Oh, and before we forget
"Whatever"
TENTANG ISTRI
Seorang laki-laki masuk ke sebuah toko buku dan menanyakan buku yang
berjudul : 'Bagaimana menjadi Bos terhadap istri anda'
Si penjaga toko bilang : "Buku-buku yg bertema science fiction ada dilantai
2 pak..."
*****
Dua orang teman sedang berbincang-bincang,
"Istri gue kalo nyetir kayak kilat !"
"Maksud loe cepat kayak pembalap F1 gitu ?"
"Bukan, dia suka nyamber pohon !"
*****
Seorang laki-laki memasang iklan di koran yg bunyinya : "Mencari seorang
istri."
Keesokan harinya dia menerima ratusan surat balasan yg isinya hampir sama :
"Anda boleh ambil istri saya."
*****
Terdengar teriakan panik di sebuah kantor polisi :
"Pak polisi ! istri saya sudah dua jam tidak kembali !aduh jangan2 dia
diculik..atau kecelakaan.. .atau sedang belanja !
Ya Tuhan! moga2 dia tidak sedang belanja !"
*****
Seorang suami mendekati seorang gadis cantik di sebuah supermarket dan
bilang :
"Maaf, saya kehilangan istri saya disini, bisa ngobrol sebentar barang dua
menit?"
"Kenapa?" tanya si gadis
"Karena setiap saya ngobrol sama gadis cantik, istri saya tiba2 bisa muncul
entah darimana..."
*****
John menyapa temannya yg habis sakit dan menanyakan kabarnya.
"Udah baikan, thanks, tapi tau gak, waktu sakit kemarin merupakan
pengalaman yg indah buat saya"
"Pengalaman yg indah?" tanya si John bingung, "Kenapa bisa?"
"Soalnya saya baru menyadari betapa istri saya sangat mencintai saya.
Kemarin, waktu tukang koran atau tukang pos datang, istri saya buru2 ke
depan menemui mereka. Saya bisa dengar dia dgn semangat bilang 'suami saya
ada dirumah ! suami saya ada dirumah !"
*****
Tiga orang suami sedang menceritakan perselingkuhan istrinya masing2.
Suami 1: "Gila man...rasanya sih istri gue selingkuh sama tukang ledeng.
Kemaris pas pulang kantor, gue nemuin sisa pipa dan tang di kolong tempat
tidur gue."
Suami 2 :"Kayaknya istri gue juga deh, dia sepertinya selingkuh sama orang
PLN. Gue juga nemuin ada kabel dan obeng yg bukan punya gue dikolong tempat
tidur!"
Suami 3 terlihat amat stress. "Guys, tau gak...kayaknya istri gue selingkuh
sama kuda !"
"Ah yg bener?!" kata kedua temannya gak percaya
"Bener, kemarin waktu gue pulang kerja, gue liat ada joki dikolong tempat
tidur gue! "
*****
Dua sahabat sedang asyik memancing. Mereka melakukannya tanpa bicara, hanya
sesekali meneguk bir sambil terus asyik dengan kail masing-masing.
Beberapa lama kemudian salah seorang pria itu berkata pelan, seolah-olah
kuatir akan membuat takut ikan-ikan, "Aku pikir aku ceraikan saja si Ani
istriku itu. Sudah 3 bulan lebih dia tidak mau bicara dengan aku"
Temannya kelihatan berpikir serius untuk beberapa lama, kemudian berkata,
"Aku sarankan kamu pikirkan lagi rencanamu itu. Wanita semacam itu sulit
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